It is because I always see what is good
in you. It is also because none of the cars
have seatbelts here. It is because outside the airport
at four AM there were so many people
in the darkness that it was nearly bright.
It is because at the hotel everyone from the delegation
walks past me seeing my face as if my face
is a word in a foreign language, it is
because of the minor bus collision
when our driver fell asleep on the highway,
it is because dawn happened so quickly while we waited
for the police. It is because after the accident
I become insomniac, my hands go numb
like they are sad to be attached to me, I am
even neurotic now while you are whispering
that it will be okay. It is because the whisper
feels so symptomatic of something. It is
because I may be losing my grasp
on what it would be like to dream again, it is because
when you say I love you it is not so much
a sentence as a gesture, like the gesture
a flock makes when they rise off a hayfield
or the gesture of planets, aligning.
It is because I contemplate running a bath
for so long that someone has to say my name
out loud for me to remember where I am
and I am not in a bath, believe me.
It is because when you tell me
to see a doctor, I decide to nurse this pain
for days on end, I am lying awake just to hurt you.
I can’t sleep, I say. It is because
I have lived this life already. It is because I am
not allowed to love you. It is because the air here
is like warm blue water in the morning, I am a small
luminous submarine navigating through taxi cabs.
It is because I am starting to worry you were right
about the concussion, it is because when I think
about making you come I feel practically religious.
It is because when the power goes out
in the conference room the cool darkness
touches me like a hand and I am reminded
of the coolness your eyes have
across a room, it is because
I try to think of excuses for feeling this way.
It is because of this sickness in me, it is
because your clarity comes over so cold
like an antidote to suffering.
It is because before I can explain the reasons
for loving you I must already be loving you
without reasons, it is because to name them
is to fix ourselves in this relation, you are a pool
of dark water around me, five hours around me
and I have not slept and no I have nothing to explain.