I mean, we’re all looking for something to buy into. Tell me you’re some kind of Guardian, or on a Quest, or that the Kingdom depends on your doing X or Y, and I’ll buy it everytime, hook, line and sinker. I have an overactive appetite when it comes to wanting to believe in things. I’ve wanted to believe in toothpaste and car insurance; I’ve wanted to believe in most things you see on TV. I’ve even wanted to believe in the economy and that on average we all more or less get what’s coming to us.

And so, when the guy on screen manages to fit so much conviction into so small a phrase, I’m already taking his word for it. That kind of rhetoric is hard to come by, these days. It reminds me of the books I used to read as a teenager, with knights and lords and castles. I would fall asleep almost every night imagining myself surrounded by battlements and impregnable walls.

By the time Poseidon is insulted, I’m picturing an ancient, never-ending feud between the sea and the shore; the Sand Guardian and the God of the Ocean. This is the kind of story I can get my head around. Elemental. Instinctual. Played out over and over again in primary colours. It’s huge and it’s exaggerated like Lex Luthor vs. Superman or Sauron vs. Frodo or my desire to work hard and succeed vs. my desire to stay in bed all day and masturbate.

It’s easy to empathize with someone shouting at the tide and at some point or another, everyone’s diction burns away and like a sauce is reduced to a single, viscous ​fuck off​.

I’m sure if I wanted, I could want to believe in sand. There’s something encouraging about the way a beach will follow you home, inside your shoes and under your fingernails; and I like the idea of something like a god I can pack into a bucket and make castles out of. And no, sandcastles are not impregnable, or even insoluble, and yes, there is a sense in which a sandcastle is the exact opposite of a castle. But I mean, we’re all looking for something to buy into, and you can say what you want about sand, but you can’t say it’s hard to come by.